Serpentine Sincerity

27 April 2019: I chuckled as the first part of the title came to me in the second stage of my thought process.

You see, I was watching Riverdale on Netflix and I would have a difficult time denying that the Serpentine, while apt in my title, was not influenced by the movie I was busy watching.

But it’s relevance, quickly, was not lost on me either. The coroner in the PIR, in her hawkish demeanour, was at pains to point out to me that my forensic approach to Gerhard’s case was possibly unrealistically influenced by watching the portrayals of forensic solving of cases on TV. My memory influenced at the scene by shock.

As frustratingly irritating and possibly condescending her sentences were to me, she did have a point, even right there on that day of the PIR, I knew her statements had relevance. It reinforced the need for me to keep myself in check and constantly weigh my approach, my interpretations, my conclusions. Not to get carried away with unrealistic expectations. Stay in the real, work with what you have, and succeed through wisdom.

Serpentine sincerity.

Another 2am morning, another mind bending hour of Gerhard’s case. Gerhard, my constant comfort, his demise, my constant nemesis. A day never passes without either.

It’s been three days since the PIR and I realise the impact each of the stages of his case have on me and the time it takes for me to recover from them. Although I was conscious of it, it was only after seeing the pictures of Gerhard and the condition of his body that I became aware of its effect on me, it took me until the Monday morning again after seeing them in the Thursday, to get back on top emotionally. The PIR, in many ways has proven to be the same. I have battled to concentrate on anything else and needed the time out not to be responsible for anything else. I just needed to sleep more than anything, to rest and do nothing. Riverdale, the endless episodes was my escape and remedy for that, and as fate has it, on the third day of my recovery, found its way into my title and gave my thoughts its name.

The day after the PIR, I wrote the coroner a letter to express my sincerity in fear of having alienated her at the hearing. I addressed it to her rather than my normal process of addressing it through the coroner’s official to try and ensure she understood my own sincerity in what I said to her. I was sincere and am sincere.

Over the days since the PIR, I have tussled with my thoughts and what, in this early stage of my thinking, it all meant. My struggle lies in the sincerity of those that have and continue to affect both Gerhard’s and my life. Gerhard, both in life and in death, me, in the now, as I fight for his truth, his dignity.

Suicide. A third “S”

It appears to me that it is the preferred option, the easy option. Every corner I turn, I am presented with a deck of cards with suicide printed on each. It doesn’t allow for plausible alternatives. The cards being played at this table are stacked towards one outcome.

Sincerity.

The Inquest ? The counsellor ? Gerhard’s friends ? The Crime Scene Management ? The investigating officers ?

Beacons of sincerity.

Does a serpent hide somewhere in a dark corner, behind the portrayal of a glowing light?